I haven’t written a post for a few months now. No real reason that I can use as an good excuse, more many bad excuses – lazy, went on holiday, can’t find motivation.
That last point is what has prompted me to write this post. Lately I have been feeling very unmotivated to do anything. I don’t know if it’s post holiday blues or I just feel like me life has come to a stand still.
When I really think about it, that just seems crazy. As mentioned, I’ve just been on a 4 week holiday to the UK, I recently moved house and I bought a brand new car. For most people, this would be more than enough to shake things up. For me, it’s done nothing.
I guess the holiday was a huge event in my life as I had been dreaming of heading to the UK for years. To finally go and see it in all it’s glory was amazing.
The new car was exciting but the shine has pretty much worn off. Now I’m just left with the extra costs involved that I previously didn’t have… petrol, rego etc..
The moving part was more a hassle than an exciting. My partner and I rent our home (for now) and were told by our agent that the owners wanted to move back in. We could have been real jerks and told them we weren’t moving until our lease was up in December but we aren’t like that. So we found a new rental and moved a couple of weeks ago. It has kind of stuffed up our plans to be honest. We had planned to buy our own home at the end of next year, when our lease was up for the second year. Now we will be faced with the decision to buy or rent again in the middle of next year. On top of that, moving into another rental, paying someone else’s mortgage is starting to play on my nervous. I’m at a point in my life where I want to own my own home. I want to be able to paint walls if I think they need it. I don’t want to have to panic every time we put a tiny little mark on a wall. I guess it’s every ones dream to own their own home, so I know I’m not alone. It just can get you down at times.
So basically, even with all these things happening, I still can’t find the motivation to enjoy it all. I just feel something is lacking and I have no idea what. So I’m thinking of starting a hobby. A real, time consuming hobby. Don’t get me wrong, I find plenty to do (go out for dinner, enjoy a little wine between friends) but I want something that is consistent and fulfilling. I have no idea what said hobby will be yet, that part I’m still investigating. In fact, it could very well be writing this blog a lot more often (here’s hoping!). But even if I do start writing more, I think I want something else to occupy my mind. It might be volunteering or something crafty. Time will tell and I will be sure to keep you updated!
I do just want to say that whilst this post sounds a little negative, it’s not all doom and gloom. I really do love my life and am blessed with some amazing people! Sometimes it’s just good to get the negativity out!
When I started this new job, I had a goal of being promoted within 12 months, I did it in 6! I got the news yesterday when my boss asked to see me for a minute. Of course my first instinct was to panic but I was soon very relaxed once the conversation started.
For me, this promotion was so important. I used to work in media sales until I left the city to move to the country. Before I moved I loved my job, I mean LOVED it! It was a tough decision to leave, but the right one at the time. Given there isn’t much opportunity to do media sales in the country, I was out of the media industry for 2 years. When I moved back to the city I temped for a while (was the longest time in my career ever!) then I was fortunate enough to be told about this job. I applied and got it!
Although it was an entry level role and compared to what I had been doing in my previous media role, it was a huge step down but I knew I wanted it. I had missed the industry terribly and knew it was where I was meant to be. I tried the wine industry but it just didn’t feel right and given how much I love wine, that was a huge shock to the system!
So when I took this job with lower pay and lower responsibilities, I set a goal that I would be doing more and getting paid more within the year. The thought never really crossed my mind that I would be given the opportunity within 6 months. It’s the best feeling to have your boss tell you that you are doing such a great job and they want to reward you for it. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I know this is what I want to do and yesterday was just the final stamp of approval. Again, I can say that I LOVE my job and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.
I can’t wait to celebrate this milestone with a little wine between friends and family.
I went to the doctor today, not for any thing serious, mostly just for a general check up. I had to go during work hours because my doctor works short hours, so of course my colleagues knew I was going to see the doctor. That didn’t bother me, I had nothing to hide. What bothered me was the instant conclusion that they all seemed to jump to. “Oh, went to see the Dr hey, not pregnant are you?!” Whilst it was mostly said in fun (my work place like to have inappropriate banter often), it still p!ssed me off. If I was a 28 year old male, this wouldn’t even have been a thought (obvsiously). But because I’m a 28 year old female, in a long term relationship, it’s an instant go to. Whenever I may be feeling a little off, or I innocently say ‘I’m craving chocolate’, everyone has the same thought. Most the time I’m sure it’s kept to just that, a thought, but sometimes you get that idiot who says it out loud.
Now I will admit that I will do this to my friends as well. But mostly I do it to people who I know want children or are at that stage where it is actually very possible they could be with child any day now. Most people who know me, know that I’m not even close to that stage in my life. I love my partner and know it’s real, but I am not yet ready to entertain the idea of bringing another life into this world. So when people know this is how I feel, I find it rude and annoying that they think it’s okay to automatically assume that my slight tiredness is the result of a baby growing in my belly. I feel I’m constantly having to defend my annoyance when people bring it up. I’m clearly at that age where having a baby is the only thing I should be thinking about.. well guess what, it’s not. I love my life, I love my job, I love a little wine between friends. I’m not yet ready to swap all of that for nappies, dummies and 2am feeds.
This may be tabu, but i’m going to say it anyway… I’m too selfish to have a child right now. I don’t think that makes me a bad person, infact I think it makes me a better ‘one day parent’. I have seen what happens when people have children too young or when they aren’t ready and the effect it has on said child. Seeing a parent resent their choice to have children or watching parents constently palm their kids off to the grand parents because they want to keep living like they were childless is awful. I don’t want to do that to my child. I want to give my all when the time comes. I want to want to stop working and stop having nights out because I know I have the most amazing thing that ever happened to me at home. I just don’t feel like I’m there yet but I feel like socitey sees this as a bad thing. The pressure that is placed on females in their 20’s, early 30’s is unbelievable. We don’t live in the 50s anymore where women were born to marry and have babies and that is it. Some women want a career and to travel and to go out in to dinner with just their partner. This doesn’t make them awful people. Neither does wanting children and I am not saying that. Some people are born to be parents and that is what the world needs. And I am also very aware that having children doesn’t make your life stop. I know you can go out and still do things, include travel but you have to admit, you are more limited with your options. I just don’t think it’s fair to judge and question my thoughts on having children just because ‘it’s my god given right’.
This isn’t to say that I don’t LOVE children. I have a newish (4 months old) nephew who I love with all my heart. I genuinely miss him when we don’t see him. I have another friend who is close to making this amazing life decision to have a baby and I couldn’t be happier for her – she is definitely one of my friends who I ‘pester’ about being pregnant often! These people have made that choice and are ready and I take my hat off to them. Because they have a baby (or will soon) doesn’t mean I won’t love them any less or want them in my life any less. It just means our friendship will change and grow. I also feel a huge amount of empathy for people who struggle with having a baby. Wanting something so badly and it not being possible is unimaginable for me. It breaks my heart when I hear these stories. I almost feel guilty because I make the choice (at the moment) not to have a baby, yet they spend every waking hour thinking and wishing for one.
I know having babies is a part of life, just like marriage and bad hair days. I just don’t need every Tom, Dick and Harry assuming that because I’m 28 and female, I should be pushing out babies left, right and centre.
I have a confession to make, I’m a little hung over today. Not to the point that I can’t function, but I’m a little hazy and craving chips and gravy! I don’t make a habit of being hung over at work, but yesterday we were taken out on a loooong lunch which included a
little lot wine between friends (well more work colleagues but hey, they are friends!). Then last night I went to watch my partner play darts (this requires a whole other post to explain this) and proceeded to have a few more glasses of wine. I was by no means ‘can’t handle myself drunk’ but I was pretty happy. So whilst I was on the train into work, feeling a little less ordinary, I was sitting near a group of school kids who were laughing and having a great time. It got me thinking, they have never experienced a hang over (at least I hope they haven’t, they could have not been more than 12 years old!!). I felt almost envious of them that they have never experienced that pain in their heads or that sickening feeling from drinking too much. Oh to be young and innocent again!
Having had my 6 monthly work review the other day (you can read about it here), it got me thinking. Could a 6 monthly review of our personal lives be something to consider?
How often do we sit down and have an open and honest conversation about how our lives are going? Do people look at what they have achieved in the past 6 months and what they plan to achieve in the following 6 months? Is there a review form to be filled out every time that rates your skill level?
The thought of assessing my life every few months is beyond scary. What if I haven’t achieved what I set out do to? Do I have the strength to tell myself to lift my game? At work, most people have KPI’s they have to meet and if you don’t, your boss will hold you accountable. If we don’t meet our personal KPI’s, will we hold ourselves accountable? I admit that when I start a task and I don’t finish, I’m not always that accountable to myself. I can easily let it slide and push it under the rug. What if I had to face those tasks I didn’t complete and explain why I didn’t do them? Would it make me push myself more? Would I have more drive to complete what I start?
Although I find it easier to take criticism than compliments, do I really have the guts to tell myself I haven’t done a great job? I can be very hard on myself at times but it’s more when I’ve let other people down, not when I’ve let myself down. Maybe I need that 6 month review to build a better me. What if we took it that one step further and got out nearest and dearest involved every now and then. Again, the thought of having my best friend tell me where I could improve doesn’t exactly sound like a walk in the park. But what if it helped me grow as a person and I learnt something from it. On the other side, it could be an opportunity to tell me what I was doing well, reassuring me that they enjoyed a little wine between friends.
Will I start assessing my life every 6 months, who knows? Time will tell I guess. I would like to give it a go and see how I feel about it. As I’m getting older, I feel it’s time to start looking at my life and where I want it to go. Wish me luck!
Oh dear, I’m a day late with this! Sorry, but my weekend plans changed at the last minute. Better late than never I guess.
As I posted late last week, it was a bit of a blah week. For whatever reason, I just couldn’t be bothered doing anything. Getting up and going to work was tough, never mind writing a blog post. So to help me get out of this rut I went away on the weekend, spending time with a beautiful friend who I’ve known for 24 years but we only see each other every few months. Having a drink and a dance at the pub by the ocean has really reinvigorated me. I’m feeling like myself again. So I guess last week I learnt that taking time out and sharing a little wine between friends is so important. You can’t put a price on quality time spent with the people you love. Although I am meant to be saving, I still went out and had a good time. I learnt that sometimes you need to just relax and not stress about situations you can’t control. It sounds simple doesn’t it… ‘just relax’. For me it’s a lot easier said than done. But the way I was feeling the past week was enough to make me just throw caution to the wind and forget about life’s problems for a couple of days. I also learnt that no matter the distance between you and a friend, no matter the lack of communication you may have, when you do catch up it’s like nothing has changed. Having a friendship that just falls back into place like that is so rewarding and satisfying.
I hope to post a bit more frequently this week and hopefully have a week full of great lessons.